Sometimes Life throws curves unexpectedly. Most of the time, you can sidestep them ... you've got reserves, and Life goes on.  One day, you find your reserves tapped out, and here comes another fastpitch, aimed straight at your head, and no time to duck.

I've hit one of those places.

Here's some history:

I get a job with an attorney. It looks like everything is going great, then boom ... the guy goes bankrupt. Sooprise!. Next, I get a gig working with the Navy, that has an indeterminate end date. Great!  Wups ... don't get your hopes up: the Navy decided to pull the plug on that particular division, and the job ended in less than 6 months. Ah, geez ... hello (who ever heard of the Navy closing a division??)! Then. the temp agencies I'd worked with for more than 8 years couldn't seem to find me a job, locally, so I moved up to Joshua Tree with another temp job in hand, through a different agency. Things went great for about 2 months and then very unexpectedly the organization pulls *that* plug! Oy. Uhhuh.

I'd done a pretty decent job of saving and making my resources stretch. And that's the good news. The next job I got seemed like a dream come true, and stayed that way for another six months. I got a job offer that was even better, moved to fulfill it, and doggone if those folks didn't go bankrupt, too. Hmmmmmmm. Just what *am* I creating here?

So, I moved back to Joshua Tree. It's been a year and while things got pretty tight, I had enough sidejobs, a bit of unemployment I tapped into and was blessed with the opportunity to live on friends' land, rent free, so it looked like I'd pull through (even if my RV and car could use some serious TLC). Uhhuh. "Have no expectations," the Teacher says. Remember that. County Code Enforcement folks came by, one day, and said, "Oh, no ... you can't live here like this." Erg. Okay. I moved to a campground where it seems like things will work out, and I have three different clients lined up, so I'm covered for a while.

Or so I thought.

All three of those clients bailed at the same time and rent was due ... yesterday. I'm tapped out, with no foreseeable, reliable income. And, the job market up here is pretty rotten. Worse than rotten: nonexistent. The good news is, I've got a friend with whom I'm most likely going to live (down in Palm Springs where the job market is more promising) ... but that's in the middle of June.

Reaching out:

Recently, I did a little personal review and soul searching during a Beltane ritual/celebration of Spring/coming of Summer. The last three months had been painfully grueling, and with the insight of hindsight, know that there are things I must change, so am taking those steps, like moving and getting a 9-to-5 gig (cross fingers it happens SOON!). I also heard a clear message during my meditation and prayer ... "Expect a miracle." Heh ... what was that about no expectations? I'm stumped, and not sure where to go next. I could sure use a miracle, about now. A friend of mine says, "Intend a miracle." Okay ...

So, I'm reaching out to folks.

• If you've got $1, $2, $5, $? to spare, would you care to donate to someone looking for help? If so, here's a link to my PayPal donation button.

- Or -

• Do you need some bookkeeping, web or graphic design, promotional work? Anything that can be done from a remote location? I've set up a shopping cart on my website where you can sign up for services. I'm not just looking for handouts ... I'm *totally* willing - eager - to work for the money. Sign up now and make a downpayment, and take a 20% discount on all services.
  

- Or -

• I've got a bunch of things I've been trying to sell in a virtual yard sale - details here.

Can you help out an old buddy (or even a relative stranger)? Feel free to pass this along ... you might know someone who needs some work done, or is in a position to help out.

With gratitude,
Ladee

quantumshaman asks: If ... you knew today was your last day on Earth, how would you spend it?  What would you regret leaving behind?  Would you tell those closest to you?

When I first started out on the Toltec path, I stumbled on a book (which I lent out and never got back, and to this day can't recall either the title or the author) with a series of exercises. One of them was .. die. Set a date and a method for dying and live until that time as though it were the truth. A profound experience. It taught me that many of the things I thought were important, weren't .. and many things I might have shrugged off prior became critical. It really *did* teach me to live each day as though it were my last.

So, to answer your question ...... *exactly* what I'm doing. With no regrets for things not done or said.

Interestingly enough, over the last several days I've been pondering my reason for being here, on this planet, now. If I measure in terms of what impact I have on the world, I realize that if I disappeared tomorrow the world would be no less for it. Which, strangely, doesn't leave me any kind of depressed or wounded. Simply aware that my import, in the scale of the world, is miniscule.

This leaves me with one of my favorite 'mantras' ... "It's all about me." Everything I do, think, say is about me and for me. And that's how I live today.

As for telling someone ... I doubt it. What I want from those around me is authenticity. I'd rather have that from them than anything in the world.

Part of her reply: "And - yup - I agree completely that if I were to die tomorrow, it wouldn't make any difference in the big picture. And, in a way, I think that's a very good thing with regard to attachments - nothing to protect, nothing to defend. In fact, as far as I can determine, it would only REALLY affect Wendy and Zero. *LOL* "

I agree that there are a few folks whose lives might be effected by my disappearance ... but what *hit* me was: it doesn't matter. Years ago, one of my girlfriends said to me that she saw the world as a stage, herself as the diva, and everyone else were "spear carriers." Meaning, of course, that they were replaceable, faceless parts in the cast. Something about that imagery has always stuck with me (and falls very neatly into place with my "mantra" ... LOL). The trick for me is to realize that in someone else's play, that's ALL I am to them, as well. Puts an interesting twist into the concept of personal importance.

What I'm left with, of course, is: what the hell'm I doin' here? Literally, why? The new-aged, fandangled concept that I have a purpose here (typically read as: how do I impact the world? how do I make a difference?) truly has little meaning, in the context of this life-view. It really comes down to that critical question: "Who Am I?" When I take others out of the equation, what am I left with?

I also don't think there are any accidents ... I'm here on a planet peopled with millions, so I have to take them into account. My choice is to use them and the mini-omniverse I inhabit as my Mirror. A reflection of where I stand and how I'm evolving. Which leads me back to, "Who Am I?" Which kinda leads me back to those discussions of "Thou art god." To do what? For what?

If it's marking time until (if) I fly past the Eagle, it feels like a dim existence. And absolute folly. It's all a game. So, I face the question: "Who AM I?"

The jury's still out.

I feel fortunate to have experienced some of the most profound growth I've ever experienced, while I ache over the lost "dream."  I sit here, in my small home, thankful for its security and the minor conveniences and yet sit, scared, not knowing where my next month's meals may come from. I have someone in my life who's as excited to explore areas of sexuality and SM as myself and I grieve, still, over a lost "friend." In the balance, though, it all seems to weigh out.

It just doesn't matter WHAT I *do* ... just DO something and let it ride, flow, BE ... and learn from the outcome, take pleasure in the moment, give back as much as I've been given. Enjoy. Learn. BE.

Happy Birthday to me.

"To think that only yesterday, I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do, The role I was about to play.
But as if to knock me down, Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, Cut me into little pieces.
Leaving me to doubt, All about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist Then why did He desert me?
In my hour of need, I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally." (Alone Again, Naturally, Gilbert O'Sullivan)

But then, I'm my own God and create my own reality, and all the world is my Mirror. On the surface, I suppose things look just ducky. Things weren't working like I wanted at work, so I literally created an alternative and got a new one. Perfect. Right? Hmm. A job is a good thing, a necessary one - if one likes to eat, stay sheltered from the rain and cold and feed her pets. Compared with 6 or 7 months, ago, however ... I'm a pretty unhappy little camper. And the facade I pulled on to fool myself into thinking I was okay is crumbling.

Today's my last day at the Center. I woke up feeling barren. Not even any tears. A lump in my throat, for sure. But, I think if I allowed myself the tears, they'd be unstoppable. A fellow warrior attempts to remind me that we can't lose what we never had. Maybe not ... in the grand scheme of things, we never really have anything, only an illusion of its possession. I did, however, even if only for the briefest of moments, hold my dream in my hands. Made what I imagined to be new and incomparable friends.

Here's what my Mirror is reflecting: The Dream is mist on the winds. The friends all have their own agenda. I'm pulling up roots, again, and moving. All my own choice. I get it. All a reality I created. I get it. I'm living with it, and moving on. It IS what I want to do. The enthusiam is missing, however. They are simply motions I'm going through because they seem 'necessary.'

While I'm pretty impressed ... no, astounded ... that my Intent was SO clear that I created this other job - I mean, c'mon ... the last job(s) I looked for took years to manifest, literally. This one happened practically overnight. And the potential of this new retreat I'm heading for is even closer to the image I had of my Retreat. I should be impressed, and so should everyone else, LOL. And the good friends are not going away, they're still there, at least in spirit (hello, I'm the one moving away, not them) - which counts, a lot. And, I made a decent impact on a few people, and I'm more than grateful for that.

Then what is this feeling? Why aren't I bouncing around like some schoolgirl, thrilled to pieces, dancing for joy? It's not fear. Things are going to work out, exactly as they're 'supposed' to, so that's not an issue. I'm looking forward to the challenge of the new job/role, and I'll be moving to a place where I'm even further removed from civilization ... a part of my dream that was, in some ways, missing from Joshua Tree. I'm not so far away from people that I can't reach them, and I'll have access to a car ... eventually, one of my own. All good things. Yet, there's a kind of melancholy hanging around my shoulders.

::cracking up:: Just got it. The excitement is missing because I've just been taught a huge lesson ... Nothing is ever as it appears. There's always some deeper illusion or meaning. What you think you have, you don't. Don't get attached. This feeling is ... detachment. Hmmm. I have to tell ya ... it feels pretty ............................ dead. Going through the motions. The stuff we do here is just illusion, what counts is who we are.

Who AM I, anyway?

I'm not my job, my friends, my family or anything else that typically 'defines' a person in the consentual reality to which we humans agree. (For some reason, the image of Jack climbing the beanstalk comes to mind. I'll have to ponder that.) I am what I create. A while back, during a session of Gnosis with Orlando I was deeply touched with the Knowledge that what must come next is: surrender to my authentic Self. Where ever I go next, whatever I do, I must be who I Am.

"The world is not at all what humans believe it to be, and so it is only through the gateway of experience that any real transformation is possible. Through your own Will, those experiences will come as you continue to summon them."**

Yeah. Like that. And so it goes ...  And, as for being alone, well ... I'm not. Naturally.

(**Orlando; Quantum Shaman, Diary of A Nagual Woman, D. Van Hise; (c) 2005)